what i've learned recently is that, as the cliche goes, love does come when you least expect it. i have just about given up on it, had just cried all of the tears i could cry; i have sort of accepted that maybe, love just isnt for me right now. i had spent so many sleepless nights just thinking about why those i like never end up liking me back; i had just enough of writing one sawi story after the other in my jounral and analyzing the reasons why they never seem to find it in themselves to like me back. I had prayed many novenas to different saints, just wishing i'd someday find love. but one heartbreak after the other made me lose hope that i could ever find it, or that it could ever find me.

i had cried every tear, broken every part of my heart. i had just about given up on love.

until i met him.

and somehow, just meeting him, that made me believe in love again. that made my heart beating again. that made me wish and hope again. he healed me. he made the once broken pieces come together. he made my heart whole again.

and it is true, just when you think it wont come, it will. just when youve thought you were a lost cause, God gives you another reason to live. to love.

he not only made me hope, he made me whole again. he not only healed me. he saved me.

approximately three million neurons have died just this week due to alcohol intoxication aka as being drunk. it's basically detox week, having finished the first round of non-stop exams for the whole month of july. so it was three nights of fun and drinking that caused the death of my neurons. Brain matter that i would probably need since i am going to be a doctor, and help save people's lives. i would need all the neurons that i have, possibly more.

but no regrets (yet...) because it has been fun just hanging out and getting drunk and having fun...although i didnt get to do the things that would have made the nights funner.

the way im writing right now makes me think about which particular neurons died...maybe the ones that had something to do with writing coherent sentences...ill get back to you on that one.

i am looking forward to the next detox week, hoping the next time, i wont just get drunk, ill also get to take advantage of that state to make someone admit (even only thru his actions) tha he has feelings for me too. i think thats ultimately the reason why its ok for me to keep on killing my brain cells. just so for one night, i could feel cared for and be affectionate to someone i would never consider touching (for fear he'd know i like him) when sober.

OVERVIEW
Situations may seem black and white, but there are always layers of gray. Searching out the gray areas could make all the difference to your attitude. You may be torn between the need to socialize and a need to spend more time alone. You can face problems with more courage than you expected. Lucky number is 8.
WISHES
Painful memories of a past lover will finally begin to fade. Feeling carefree and refusing to accept any restrictions on your time, money or emotions makes you a fun guest at parties. The areas in your life that brings you happiness also promotes spiritual growth.
ROMANCE
You may meet someone who speaks with an accent, so keep your ears open. You will enjoy being with them. Ignore what others think or say about it. You have the right to choose who you like to spend time with. Take responsibility for your part in a relationship, feeling guilty about it is a useless activity.
RELATIONSHIPS
You may feel sad that you have had a change of heart toward a friend, but it is time to move on in another direction. Whatever you give your energy to, is what you will have more of. You may need to get away from someones negative aura. The chances are you will meet someone new and out of the ordinary. This oddball person is not for everyone, but it sure can be a thrill for you.
MONEY
The problem will be to see that work does not get out of hand. You can become too driven and loose touch with your friends, because you have taken on more than you can handle. It can be a tricky situation to balance, mainly because it is unpredictable and you do not have the kind of control you would like to have. That is what learning is about, and once you have discovered what to do and what not to do, the lesson will be both satisfying and profitable one
SUCCESS
The order you would like to see in the world can be imposed by you from within. Try to go after one thing at a time before you rush on to the next. If you control your haphazard approach you will find your wishes become a reality. You will get much satisfaction as the result of your efforts.
BLESSINGS
If you feel that the most important issue for you is emotional security, you may fear that those you trust may deceive you or leave you suddenly. When you feel unloved, you may become withdrawn and harbor feelings of loneliness. When you share your feelings you can help yourself and others through difficult times. Without knowing it, you are considered a great blessing in their lives.
SUNPRISES
Do not be surprised, if some strange interaction between friends could cause gossip to fly around in your circle of friends. Chances are that some of it is true and some is not, you know talk is cheap, action speaks volumes. Devil is in the details and the details are not forthcoming. Your friends may come to you hoping for more information, keep your mouth zipped, otherwise you could end up in the middle of a messy situation.
PROBLEMS
Unsympathetic gossip may cause you problems. Jealousy is behind it and chances are that none of it is true. Pay no attention to idle gossip, it will only waste your precious time. Someone wants to be number one and will use any dirty trick they have at their disposal to get ahead. A sense of humor can carry you through when times get difficult. This may be a good time, to practice making silly faces, to ease the tension.
OUTCOME
In spite of the frustrations that seem to turn up every step of the way during this period, much can be gained if you keep a patient, balanced attitude. The more energy you input into a plan, the more you will benefit in the end. Finishing one task will lead you to another. You will regain your usual energy, which will take you progressively to a higher level, better than you expected. You may find yourself having to explain your ideas while at the same time letting others have an equal right to their own opinions about a issue

this tarot card reading kind of surprised me. i am at that point in my life when im in the process of healing from all the heartache a previous crush has caused me. i am happy about that developmet. we're friends now, and that was all i ever really wanted. and yet i do have a problem with a friend i have fallen for. he has a girlfriend so i know in my mind and heart that nothing good will ever come out of me liking him because there is absolutely no way in the world he's gonna leave his girlfriend for me. so right now, i am in the process of forgetting about my past heartbreaks and trying to move on. i wish i can do that soon enough. before it cause further loneliness in my part. letting go was never really an easy task for me. being such a sentimental person, its difficutl for me to say goodbye to things, especially to people i have gotten so much inspiration from; saying goodbye to a person and facing the fact that it is the best thing to do is very hard especially when he's the one good thing i could have held on to. especially when only he, really, can make you feel good, can make you smile, can make you feel hope again, even after the day has been the worst. and so im at that sad and hard phase of my life. but this is something that i must do for me. for my peace of mind, and heart. so i guess the reading is perfect in a sense that it sort of confimred what i knew i should have done all along, move on.

how i absolutely HATE him. i know he thinks of it as ood ol fashioned joking...but why does he have to make me inis or humiliate me in front of friends all the time, every chance he gets? even the littlest things i do, like getting something to eat, for crying out loud, he just HAS to react in some sarcastic and kakainis way??? it used to make me happy, having his attention all the time. since he makes jokes about me, then that must mean he notices me right? but shit, this time maybe its gone just a bit too far. its one thing to make jokes and shit, but when its done all the time...it gets old and IRRITATING... what the hell is wrong with this guy? have i made him lait too much? i never even do that in front of other people. i make jokes about him only when we're texting...only when it's the two of us.

i hate him...he irritates me, he makes me wanna scream out loud cause of frsutration!!! but darnit, i frustrate myself. cause he still makes me smile. even just the thought of him makes my heart skop a beat. in some weird, masochistic way, im still just a tad bit glad he makes fun of me cause that still means he notices me in some way... i still enjoy his company, he still makes me laugh even at myself. and maybe him making fun of me is a good excuse for me to beat him up, make him kurot, or slap him on the leg. so maybe i shouldnt even be asking myself what the hell's wrong with him. maybe i should be asking MYSELF what's wrong with me for putting up with this so called friend (who i wanna be lovers with...) of mine...why at the end of the day, even when he irritates me so, i still wake up liking him. i still wake up wishing he'd notice me today. half hoping this time he wont just make fun of me...im stupid. that's it. thats the only plausible explanation.

or maybe, im just in love.

a medical prof once told us in his lectures, something about love making someone stupid. so maybe that's it. im not stupid after all. i am just in love. with a guy i wanna pound to the ground.

i have just recently read a friend's blog and he wrote about his frustrations about being in medical school still. and i totally was able to relate. how many times have i asked myself what the hell im doing here, studying damn worms and freaky bacteria, when i could be someplace else, doing someting i love to do; and not doing something i know i really dont want to do, something i was forced into doing by my parents. i know that they forced me to go into medicine because of the rewards being a doctor would give me. but i know in the long run, that when i do become a successsful doctor in the future, ill still feel as incomplete as i feel today. because this is not what i want to do for the rest of my life.

i have always hated science subjects. i always got my lowest scores in them plus the fact that i never enjoyed science at all. it just doesnt give me a thrill to know all about how the body functions, etc etc. ihave a passion for music, and a talent for singing. all the best memories and experiences revolved around doing this one thing that ive always felt has given my life meaning. i love to perform, i love to entertain people with the gift of my voice. i feel that studying science and being in medical school goes against every part of who i am. i'm a flowery conversationalist, i have a knack for being too wordy. i cannotstand the frankness and straightforwardness of the scientific word. i have no excitement about doing physical exams or hearing people's heartbeats through a stethoscope. i know, without exactly hearing them, that when i sing and do that one thing i am passionate about, i am not only able to hear people's hearts but to touch them as well.