what the hell am i doing here?
i have just recently read a friend's blog and he wrote about his frustrations about being in medical school still. and i totally was able to relate. how many times have i asked myself what the hell im doing here, studying damn worms and freaky bacteria, when i could be someplace else, doing someting i love to do; and not doing something i know i really dont want to do, something i was forced into doing by my parents. i know that they forced me to go into medicine because of the rewards being a doctor would give me. but i know in the long run, that when i do become a successsful doctor in the future, ill still feel as incomplete as i feel today. because this is not what i want to do for the rest of my life.
i have always hated science subjects. i always got my lowest scores in them plus the fact that i never enjoyed science at all. it just doesnt give me a thrill to know all about how the body functions, etc etc. ihave a passion for music, and a talent for singing. all the best memories and experiences revolved around doing this one thing that ive always felt has given my life meaning. i love to perform, i love to entertain people with the gift of my voice. i feel that studying science and being in medical school goes against every part of who i am. i'm a flowery conversationalist, i have a knack for being too wordy. i cannotstand the frankness and straightforwardness of the scientific word. i have no excitement about doing physical exams or hearing people's heartbeats through a stethoscope. i know, without exactly hearing them, that when i sing and do that one thing i am passionate about, i am not only able to hear people's hearts but to touch them as well.
but it is my fault, why i am stuck in this place that gives me no satisfaction and happiness. i have never tried going against my parents' decisions about my life. they have always wanted what was best for me and that i cannot douct. being in medicine is the easy way out. it'[s the less troublesome route to take. i could never turn my back away from my parents choice for me and hurt them in the process. i cannot disappoint the people who depend on me. it would have been easier if i flunked every single exam in medschool or even have a hrd time passing them. but im a mediocre student, i pass without working too hard on it. and so now im in second year of medical school. it would be a total waste if i quit now. but then i also think about the rest of my life. should i go on with this and waste that rest of my life i know ill be in a career i can never be truly happy in..or turn my back now, one year wasted, but still have the rest of my life to look forward to?
but i cant do that. i could never hurt my parents and disappoint them that way. besides i have no guts. and so i guess i must suffer and eventually just learn to love the place i am in right now. im stuck, whether i like it or not.
but im still hoping that maybe the rest of my life still wont be a waste. maybe God has grander plans for me. he would never have put me here if He didn't. but i also think about how He gave us free will. to make our decisions, especially if it's about OUR life.
but i still cant quit med school. no matter how much it hurts to see my dream of being a singer slipping through my fingers, my love for the people who love is greater than my passion for music.
Posted at 11:51 pm by crazy_dreamer
