Young love. Some may say it’s the greatest feeling in the world. and maybe it is. Its really wonderful how one person can make you feel this certain way; how his mere presence makes you feel grateful to be alive. how one gesture directed towards you can literally make your day the happiest. Love is a wonderful thing that truly cannot be fathomed. Yet with all the "greatness" that come with it, there is also the sadness and the pain...especially once you realize that the "love" you felt cannot be given back to you.
Indeed, it is amazing how love works, how it can turn people, rational thinkers, into these feelers; into emotional irrational beings. who think with their hearts and forget with their minds. Forget how once in their lives they were hurt because they chose to love. And yet they love again, forgetting that at one point they vowed not to; at one point they fought so hard not to succumb to it once more. What is it about the heart and learning its lesson? I’ve come to realize that maybe it never really does. That’s why it never works to think with your heart. And it's simply because it does not and cannot ever think. It can only feel.
So can we fault our hearts? Never. We can only fault ourselves for letting our hearts control our minds. Loving is a choice. We choose to fall; though sometimes the choice for whom to fall isn't up to us. We choose to accept the feelings, we choose to set it free, we choose to tell people about it and we choose to open ourselves up to it. But the minute that we feel pain; the minute that we get frustrated that it never seems to go the way we want it to, that’s when we begin to think that it was never our choice to fall in love. that it just happened. But it doesn’t just happen because WE make it happen. No one told us to fall, we just did and we chose to do it. But is it our minds that choose or our hearts that get the best of us?
If there is one thing that I've learned from being hurt by love over and over, no matter how many times we choose not to love or vow never to fall again, sometimes, when it comes, we just cant control ourselves. We cant stop ourselves when its there. And the best way to go about it is to just accept it, accept the feeling, accept that you are in love and no matter how many times you deny it to yourself, it will always be there, you can never hide from that fact. And, eventually, if it doesn’t work out, to let go of it and accept the reality that maybe, it just wasn’t the right time, or he just wasn’t the right man for you, and that, as the cliché goes, you just weren’t meant to be. And so I think its not "the not to love" part that one should vow for, " it’s the to let go easily" part that one must learn.
I must not learn to not love. I must be able to teach myself to let go.
Posted at 11:13 pm by crazy_dreamer
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yup. i dont want a boyfriend. and that's the truth. but why is it that when you want a guy, people will automatically assume it's a boyfriend, a relationship, a commitment that you want as well? a million songs have been written about finding love, about being cared for - about loving and being loved in return. is it bad to want to feel all these things? without necessarily having a "boyfriend." i admit. im a commitment phobe. and yet, i still want someone who will care for me, think of me, be concerned for me; to dream of me at night, to want to dream of me at night and actually want to sleep because of that want. to be excited about going to school because he'll see and be with me that day. i wanna experience being thought of, cared for, liked and admired. the way that i have cared for every single guy i've liked - all those who ended up never, as in NEVER, liking me back. that's all i want. not a boyfriend, not a relationship.
but is it really possibel to want all this, and not want a "boyfriend"? i wouldnt really know. maybe, when and if the time will come that i do get all this, maybe that;s the time ill want to have one.
Posted at 11:52 pm by crazy_dreamer
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journal entry for the world to see
this is the absolute first time i have ever written in a "journal" for everyone to read. ive kept a diary as a kid and it contained all the things i would never have the guts to tell my friends. besides, ive always been a private person. i choose carefully the things i tell other people, lest they might use it against me in the future. that was then. now, ive become more open about my life. not to strangers. but to friends i know would never betray me. and this public blog is just a step into being more open about my experiences...for me to able to share my thoughts, my feelings, my life to others and in some way, share a part of me as well.
Posted at 12:28 am by crazy_dreamer
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